Did I call that one! Just IMed with the adorable younger boyfriend and he is with someone now. A family friend. I hear wedding bells.
And I am utterly happy for him and not attached to him in any way, but man oh man, do I have that feeling in my chest. Short of breath, kicked. Wow.
I was going to repeat the personal ad from below here but I am somehow not feeling that sassy anymore...
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Wanted: darling man for discreet affair...
I was waiting for a line in the sand and now one has definitely been drawn. I have been offline for a week or more, tonight I am on messenger and the adorable younger boyfriend signs on, sits for half an hour without contacting me, and then signs off. So, that is it then - a pretty clear message in younger boyfriend-speak: we are done. I realize that this might seem like a drastic interpretation of the evening BUT I have that feeling in my stomach. The it's over feeling. And I have been it's overed enough times that I do not think I am reading it wrong. He probably met someone lovely in his city and that is the way it should be. Godspeed.
But that begs the question: what now?
I have been investing a certain amount of emotional energy in having this vague relationship with him...I like the idea of the affair in my life. I certainly think about it more then I actually do it. It is in my head far more then he is in my pants, so to speak. But I do have this need. Not the need for an orgasm, but for the behaviour, for the transgressing, the acting out. The invisible protest as to the state of my life.
So what do I do to find an outlet? I met him in a bar in another city and that has provided distance that I need. I am certainly not interested in making a connection in the local school yard and I think making a connection at my school would be a mistake. I have deliberately chosen this relationship because I know that I could never love the adorable younger boyfriend. I want to act out, but I do not want to risk wanting out of my marriage. I am not looking for love.
I can see the personal ad:
Wanted: adorable man for affair. Should be lovely but not too lovely. Interesting but not too interesting. Should think I am fabulous but not pressure me for more then I am willing to give. Should be wonderful, but not so wonderful that I would want to fall in love with you. Must like oral sex, be able to tell me what you want in bed, appreciate that I do not have the abs of an 18 year old, and enjoy pillow talk. Please send photo and a brief feminist analysis of monogamy and fidelity.
But that begs the question: what now?
I have been investing a certain amount of emotional energy in having this vague relationship with him...I like the idea of the affair in my life. I certainly think about it more then I actually do it. It is in my head far more then he is in my pants, so to speak. But I do have this need. Not the need for an orgasm, but for the behaviour, for the transgressing, the acting out. The invisible protest as to the state of my life.
So what do I do to find an outlet? I met him in a bar in another city and that has provided distance that I need. I am certainly not interested in making a connection in the local school yard and I think making a connection at my school would be a mistake. I have deliberately chosen this relationship because I know that I could never love the adorable younger boyfriend. I want to act out, but I do not want to risk wanting out of my marriage. I am not looking for love.
I can see the personal ad:
Wanted: adorable man for affair. Should be lovely but not too lovely. Interesting but not too interesting. Should think I am fabulous but not pressure me for more then I am willing to give. Should be wonderful, but not so wonderful that I would want to fall in love with you. Must like oral sex, be able to tell me what you want in bed, appreciate that I do not have the abs of an 18 year old, and enjoy pillow talk. Please send photo and a brief feminist analysis of monogamy and fidelity.
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