I was sitting here doing busy work on my computer with messenger open, hoping the adorable younger boyfriend will sign on and chat with me. He signs on, spends a few minutes online, doesn't approach me, and then signs off. So, immediately I am thinking: he doesn't like me, he has tired of me, he is into someone else. Am I not interesting enough? Not sexy enough? Too sexy? Is my verbal sluttiness a turn off? My actual sluttiness?

OK, full stop: reality check. I mean I like him in a not-loving him kind of way. He is nice. That is the grand sum of my feelings about him: he is nice. Yet, here I am, obsessing and reading into everything and I seem to have made such a profound emotional investment in not even specifically him, but in the idea of him, the idea of this relationship. Which begs the question: why? Why does it matter if he is enthralled by me given that I could substitute another fuck-friend in his place. And why do I question myself in relation to the views I project onto him? Why do I not appreciate my inherent fabulousness and understand that it is his to take or leave?

I am not sure why I am this way about men, but it is a consistent theme in my life. I have a lot of trouble relating to men in a non-sexual way and a profound shortage of male friends that I have not had sex with. Actually, up until a year of so ago, of my good male friends that were my friends first (as in, not the husband's friends) I have ONE with whom I have not had sex. ONE - and to be utterly honest, he was the best friend of my high school boyfriend. I guess that is really another way of saying that I do not particularly have any male friends.

Bottom line: I, apparently, cannot relate to men in any way except sexually. Intriguingly, even men with whom I see no future relationship, men that I like but don't really like, charmingly enough, I am capable of being obsessive in an obnoxious way about them. Fuck.

Entertain me!

So, the adorable younger boyfriend - although we chat on messenger and he always says hi as soon as I sign in, (is this how they define a relationship in the new millennium?) - has not been in town in a while. Not that I don't like this whole talking thing BUT I want a visit. I want to get fucked like mad. I am looking for trouble. Do you have any trouble for me?

So, I question whether this whole - I will stay in the relationship even if I am not crazy in love because it is ok and seems better then the alternative - thing is really denying myself a real and perhaps better shot at my life. Or maybe all men that we love turn into bullshit babies as soon as they get married and then you have spent lots of money on a divorce and a second wedding...

I want to put on a pretty skirt and have it lifted up...I want to do something, anything...I want a cocktail out of the house and with flirting...I want my pretty panties pulled down my legs...I want to run down the street at 4a.m. laughing with girlfriends...I want to kiss and remember that I like it still...I want to be naked and sweaty and crazy.

I am restless, utterly beyond restless, tonight.

Sexual Fidelity is Absurd

Should I look in the mirror and feel self-loathing over the betrayal in which I engage? Because I don't. I simply no longer see the value in monogamy. As I see it we have a very short life, we are dead for a long time, and therefore I no longer have any interest in restraining myself to actions that are within the confining box of allowable behaviour.

So why am I in a place where I can keep these secrets and not feel bad about it? I don't want out of the marriage and I don't feel the need to confess my sins. I don't, in fact, see this as a "sin", for lack of a better term. Sexual fidelity seems profoundly ridiculous as a concept. It seems an outdated means of social control, a means of promoting a morality with which I do not agree. I recognize that this is perhaps a ridiculous justification, but I don't think my idea is wrong at the root.
After all, what is the purpose of sexual monogamy? If I am holding up my end of the relationship: helping in the house, being good to the kids, having dinner with the in-laws, spending time as a couple - what does a good toss in some sweaty sheets matter? If I am home at the end of the day when I am needed what harm does it do? Why is sole access to my sexuality considered a neccessary part of a relationship?

I don't think that I could go back at this point. Things are actually feeling better with the husband lately and I haven't even seen the adorable younger boyfriend in two months. He doesn't live here and we only get together when he is in town for work. But I love the idea of the whole thing. I love that I have a little something outside my life. And I think that when this ends, which I am confident it will - he is young and he will meet someone about whom he will become serious, at which point we will be over - of this I have no doubt. But when it ends - I think I will be on the lookout for someone else. In fact, I don't even know that I am opposed to someone else in the interim for that matter. I understand that this may indicate a pathology of some kind. I definitely now have an itch that requires a scratch - and even though things seem to be improving in my relationship - I still want to continue with the affair.