I am not going to buy his patience with my vagina.

I spent a lot of time in high school having sex I did not really want to have. I had sex to create something - a feeling, a relationship, an image of myself, an attitude, a perception, an emotional space. Now when my husband wants to have sex with me - and he constantly badgers me - I feel liberated to say no. Liberated to say no in a way that I did not when I was younger. When I was younger I would get into situations where I felt bad saying no, where it was easier to say yes, where it would just seem like I might as well. But now I don't want to have sex that I don't want to have - and I am sorry if my husband is not happy with that - truly I am - but I am not going to force myself. Forcing myself: closing my eyes and thinking of England, spreading to keep him happy, makes me feel like a prostitute. It makes me feel dirty. Fucking my adorable younger boyfriend does not make me feel guilty, or dirty or anything other than free.
I refuse to have sex to humour anyone other than myself - I will not use it to purchase peace, to hope that the husband will stop badgering me briefly, to create an illusion of some kind of contentment, or to make him happy. My vagina is not available on the open market to be bartered.

It is not the getting off that is getting me off...

It is not, in fact, the fucking or the orgasm that intrigues me about the adorable younger boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, that is definitely a perk.
But, it is definitely the act of stepping out, acting out that gets me off. As Michael put it in his comment, transgressing. The transgressing is better then an orgasm.
The need is not the physical act but the way the act allows me to conceptualize myself. It allows me a piece of freedom, a piece of the world that is mine and just for me. It does not belong to my husband or my children - they have no claim on those moments. It is utterly freeing to have an emotional and physical space in which I answer to noone.
In those moments I can be truly me - not the housebound me - me in my own skin. I am responsible for only me. I own myself. No orgasm can compare to that.

WTF?

This morning we went to get in the van and it was parked facing the wrong way on the street where it had been all night. He knows this bothers me - so why does he do it? Why on earth would you continue to do things that you know annoy the hell out of your partner?

This is what I mean about the adult thing. He is not an adult. Adults do not behave like that.

Dinner with friends...

The five of us went over to another families house for dinner last night....
Sitting in their lovely living room I realized that their house was beautifully warm, happy and peaceful and that my house lacks those qualities. I do not look in my living room and feel the sence of contentment and peace that their living room contains.

Driving home made me feel empty- I wish I could sit in my house and feel the warmth that exists in other places. We simply do not have that here and I find it very sad. I think it is not really about the house but about the energy in our family. Child number one is so destructive and unpleasant to be around, and husband's stubborn refusal to pull his weight around here makes for an unhappy living situation. Friends always says "oh, your husband is so nice" - but the reality is that nice will only take you so far. If I am the only adult, the only one on the "team" as it were - it is not a relationship. After 10 years of begging for help and fighting about it I can't do it anymore. My resolution has been that I have to live my life and make myself happy - and that I am not going to do that within anyone's confines but my own. I don't want out of the relationship, out of the family or out of the house. However, the idea my husband seems to have that the relationship exists independent of any stress, any mess he won't help me clean up, any strife in the family, any unhappiness of mine - is utterly absurd.

After 10 years of ignoring me and my needs, what does he really expect?