The five of us went over to another families house for dinner last night....
Sitting in their lovely living room I realized that their house was beautifully warm, happy and peaceful and that my house lacks those qualities. I do not look in my living room and feel the sence of contentment and peace that their living room contains.
Driving home made me feel empty- I wish I could sit in my house and feel the warmth that exists in other places. We simply do not have that here and I find it very sad. I think it is not really about the house but about the energy in our family. Child number one is so destructive and unpleasant to be around, and husband's stubborn refusal to pull his weight around here makes for an unhappy living situation. Friends always says "oh, your husband is so nice" - but the reality is that nice will only take you so far. If I am the only adult, the only one on the "team" as it were - it is not a relationship. After 10 years of begging for help and fighting about it I can't do it anymore. My resolution has been that I have to live my life and make myself happy - and that I am not going to do that within anyone's confines but my own. I don't want out of the relationship, out of the family or out of the house. However, the idea my husband seems to have that the relationship exists independent of any stress, any mess he won't help me clean up, any strife in the family, any unhappiness of mine - is utterly absurd.
After 10 years of ignoring me and my needs, what does he really expect?
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