I spent a lot of time in high school having sex I did not really want to have. I had sex to create something - a feeling, a relationship, an image of myself, an attitude, a perception, an emotional space. Now when my husband wants to have sex with me - and he constantly badgers me - I feel liberated to say no. Liberated to say no in a way that I did not when I was younger. When I was younger I would get into situations where I felt bad saying no, where it was easier to say yes, where it would just seem like I might as well. But now I don't want to have sex that I don't want to have - and I am sorry if my husband is not happy with that - truly I am - but I am not going to force myself. Forcing myself: closing my eyes and thinking of England, spreading to keep him happy, makes me feel like a prostitute. It makes me feel dirty. Fucking my adorable younger boyfriend does not make me feel guilty, or dirty or anything other than free.
I refuse to have sex to humour anyone other than myself - I will not use it to purchase peace, to hope that the husband will stop badgering me briefly, to create an illusion of some kind of contentment, or to make him happy. My vagina is not available on the open market to be bartered.
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